Surviving Victimhood
3 Tools To Help You Gain Control of Your Future
Full disclosure – everything I talk about on here, I have experienced. I wrote about co-dependancy because I was co-depenant. I spoke about misusing substances because I used substances to numb my feelings. I discussed toxicity in relationships because I was an active contributor to a toxic relationship. So when I speak about the negative effects of a victim mentality it’s because I moved through phases of life believing I was a victim. Full disclosure – if you have the freedom to read this post, you are not a victim. You have full control over where you are and where your life is going from here. This one is not for the faint of heart. So if you’re ready, let’s dive in.
I do want to turn off the tough love for a moment and honor the people who have experienced unfortunate circumstances that were out of their control. You did not deserve what happened to you. You are not a product of the situation that occurred. We cannot control the events of our childhood, abuse, or war, however, what we can control is what we do once we survive those circumstances. You most certainly can remain a victim of your past if you allow it; but how does that benefit you? It doesn’t. If anything, it allows the individuals who were once in control of you to still be in control.
Our lives are a product of every decision we make from this point forward. It’s the Butterfly Effect. Yanno, the Ashton Kutcher movie from the 2000s where every minor decision he makes alters the fate of his future. Little did I know when I saw this movie in my teens that the Butterfly Effect is a real scientific theory. According to The Decision Lab, “The butterfly effect rests on the notion that the world is deeply interconnected, such that one small occurrence can influence a much larger complex system.” In other words, every minute decision you make affects your life on a broader scale. And yes, sometimes the events of our past alter our lives as well, but what makes an even greater impact is how you deal with it moving forward.
I will give you a little example of what I mean. The poor decisions I made for two years after completing my undergraduate degree altered the way in which I moved through the entire decade of my 20s. I graduated from Bloomsburg University in 2013 completely lost and identifying with the traumas of my childhood. Instead of pouring my heart into my writing (my dream was to become a writer), I started bartending to support myself financially and poured my heart into the party scene. Because I was using substances to numb myself, I ended up in some very regrettable situations ultimately causing more trauma.
A year later, my grandmother passed away, a woman who helped support and raise me. She was one of the only adults I ever truly felt safe around so her death led me into a spiral. More partying and more poor decisions. Because I was so desperate to feel loved and saved, I fell for someone much older than me. Because my confidence was shot and I was now identifying with my traumas from partying, I was scared to leave once the love bombing phase had ended. It wasn’t until 2020, amidst the pandemic, when I realized that I needed to gain control over my life. I was finally able to admit to myself that where I was in life was a product of the decisions that I made; and it was only me that could dig my way out of it.
That is the Butterfly Effect my friends.
The way in which I was able to free myself was by un-identifying with the victim. I was not a victim of my childhood; I was not a victim of the situations that occurred in my early 20s; I was not a victim of my grandmother’s death; I was not a victim of the person I chose to share space with. If anything, I was a victim of myself. That mentality is what moved me away from eight years of victimhood and allowed me to have the life that I live today. Full transparency: the life I have now is far from perfect. I often feel very behind in my career, and I still struggle with the traumas from my past. However, the Bree I am today doesn’t allow these circumstances to control me. I am fully aware that I am in control of them.
So where do you begin?
Seek support where you feel safe. Most people who live with a victim mentality don’t have many people they feel safe around. If you can’t find safety within a family member or friend, look for guidance within a counselor, healer, or mentor. This may mean you have to put in the work to seek out these individuals. Bringing light to your shadow self is a delicate experience that should not be done on your own. For myself, I found support through both my reiki healer and my therapist; and then when it manifested itself, my partner Eric. These are two practices that I still incorporate regularly. Your shadow doesn’t just disappear; he/she is always there. It is up to you if you choose to feed it or work to let it go.
Implement a daily gratitude practice. It is quite difficult to feel sorry for yourself, when you are more focused on the beautiful parts of life. However, like a muscle that needs to be built, this will take time and practice. You aren’t just going to wake up one day and all of the sudden feel grateful. This tool will take time, commitment, and practice. Over time, you will become more aware of your moments of self-pity. The way in which I began to incorporate a small, daily practice of gratitude was by writing three things I was grateful for each morning in my journal. Eric actually has an app on his phone that reminds him to input his daily gratitude each day. Whichever way you choose to incorporate your daily gratitude practice, be intentional and consistent. You will notice the moments of self-pity occur less frequently.
Practice radical self-awareness. When you are living in a state of victimhood, you are usually unaware of the way in which you are sabotaging your own happiness. The most impactful way to gain control of your life moving forward is to admit to yourself where you can do better. No one on earth is perfect. We all fuck up and make mistakes. We can all act in toxic and harmful ways. What places you above victimhood is your ability to admit to yourself when you fuck up and when you make those mistakes. Then you can use that awareness to guide you to make better choices moving forward. This level of awareness will give you the ability to understand that poor behavior will only continue to lead you to more misfortune.
By surviving victimhood, I was able to free myself from the trauma that I thought made me a victim. In incorporating these tools, I now understand that I am the only person in complete control of my life. If something is no longer serving me I know that I am the only one who can alter my circumstances. You, too, have the power to control the path to your future. If this resonates with you, please feel free to email or DM me and share with me the tools that helped guide you on your journey to freedom. If you feel like this information could help support a loved one, please send it over to them. Thank you for walking this path with me…
xx
b
