Confessions of an Ex Party Girl
Hey loves! Sobriety is trending heavy right now and while I don’t label myself as sober, I have completely altered my relationship with substances over the last several years. While this new style of living has brought so much beauty into my life: a healthier body, more self-awareness, early mornings, and a conscious partner; it has also presented me with some difficulties. There are aspects of my previous self that I’ve found myself mourning over the last year or so. If you have changed or are working to change your relationship with substances this one's for you. Now let's dive in…
I’ve always considered myself a social person, however, after changing my relationship with substances, I suddenly noticed myself experiencing social anxiety. Over the last 15+ years, substances played a significant role in my social life, so naturally I thought I loved going to parties, dancing, and meeting new people. Now all of the sudden, without the support of substances, I found myself dreading them. Still to this day, weeks before an event, I find myself having increased anxiety about socializing with people. I run through the typical thoughts of, ‘What if I have nothing to say?’ or ‘What if these people don’t like me?’ This fear can be absolutely crippling and often keeps me from creating new connections.
I don’t even believe I was fully aware of this until I had a conversation with my partner. I said to him, ‘I feel comfortable speaking in front of a room full of people, but when I am speaking with someone one-on-one, I freeze.’ He told me that when I am speaking to a room full of people, I have control over where the conversation goes, but when I am one-on-one with someone the conversation could go anywhere. That’s when it hit me, I don’t have my old friend alcohol to have my back if the conversation gets awkward or uncomfortable. Alcohol allowed me to be more carefree. To be blunt, it allowed me to not give a fuck about where the conversation went. Now, I have to just sit with what is.
The solution: Shedding 15+ years of conditioning; of telling myself that I need substances to have my back in social situations. Of relying on alcohol to make my conversations flow. It’s also reminding myself that I am a cool fucking person to chill and hang out with ((thank you to my soul sister, Brittany, for reminding me of that)). That I have valuable topics to contribute to a new conversation. And that if the conversation gets uncomfortable or awkward it is not the end of the world. There are plenty of fish in the social-connection sea.
Back in my party girl era, I was fucking fun. I was always down to stay out until 6 am, dance with anyone on the dance floor, and take another shot. Over the last several years, I have mourned this outgoing, carefree version of myself. I am now faced with a more reserved me. I don’t like going to bed past 10 pm. I don’t dance nearly as much as I used to and I turn down shots even if I am partaking in alcohol. Now don’t get it twisted. I don’t miss the poor decisions, regrets, and hangovers. However, I find myself mourning a more chill version of myself.
A few weeks ago, I was driving in my Jeep from one job to the next and I found myself sobbing over this. I was so fucking chill. I want to feel like that again. It took me a few days to process, but then it came to me. I am allowed to still live carefree without the support of substances to guide me. I am still welcome to chill whenever I want. The difference between then and now is now that I don’t get fucked up on a regular basis, I have so many more goals for myself. And because I refuse to fail at these goals, I don't allow myself to just chill. The solution: Give myself the opportunity to tap into my inner free spirit. That can mean trying this beginner hip-hop class in the city that I keep telling myself I am going to try or calling out from my 9-5 every once in a while to immerse myself in nature. That carefree version of me is just dying to be unleashed and only I can do it.
This last one is unfortunate and out of our control, however, probably for the best. I met a lot of people and created a shit ton of connections during my party girl era. Some of these connections have also changed their relationship to substances and some are still doing the same old shit. Sometimes people who are doing the same shit they were doing 15 years ago, don’t like when you become a more evolved version of yourself. They may never outright say it, but you’ll notice in the way they bypass plans to hang out or in the way they treat you. This is truly unfortunate, but people who can’t support you on your path weren’t meant to join you on it. And that's really all I will say about that.
My party girl era is a solid three years behind me and in these three years my life has changed drastically. I am now in a healthy relationship with a conscious partner; I started a business out of nothing.; and my passion for yoga and holistic healthing has flourished. I could not be any more grateful for all the universe has brought me. But this isn’t a Hallmark movie. There are so many moments of darkness, pain, and mourning the girl I once was. If this resonates with you in any way and you need someone to share this with, please feel free to reach out to me via dm or email. I would love to connect with more people who are moving through the same obstacles.
