Healing from Toxicity
How to Regain your Spirit After an Unhealthy Relationship
Hey Embodiment fam! Welcome back. This post is a topic that I have been very quiet about for the last several years for the sake of both myself and the other person’s privacy. This post will not be about the toxicity that took place through the five year relationship so if you were looking for some tea, you can click the little x at the top. Thank you for stopping by. This post is about how I gained control over my life after years of feeling stuck. This post is about the healthy practices that I implemented after the relationship ended so that I could learn to love myself. So if you are interested, keep reading..
Before I get started on my healing process, I want to make it clear that I was in no way perfect throughout this relationship. I allowed the other person to treat me in an unhealthy way and at the same time, I contributed to the toxicity that took place. I also want to make you aware that once the relationship ended, I fucked up a lot. During the year and a half that I was single, I made a shit ton of mistakes. I managed to use my pain to hurt other people and for that I want to take accountability. As of today, I can confidently say that I learned from my mistakes, as well as, processed the pain that the relationship caused me so that I can, now, show up in my current relationship with sheer authenticity.
A major part of healing is allowing yourself to feel your feelings. This was not something I did right away. Instead, I threw myself right back into the party scene. I occupied myself with alcohol, bars, and other people. While at the time, I thought that immersing myself back into the party scene was helping me move past my pain, it was only delaying my healing process further. Instead of feeling my feelings, I was ignoring them hoping that they would magically go away. It wasn’t until I went to a Past Life Regression session that I realized I needed to try a different approach. The feelings weren’t going away. I would ignore them to the point that I would be so overwhelmed with emotion and just completely shut down. The incredible spiritual guide who led my session referred me to a Shadow Workbook and that is when the real healing began.
Lean on other men and women who are going through the same process. At the time, I was lucky enough to have a girlfriend who broke up with her fiance two years prior. The circumstances were different, however (as we would say) we both dodged a bullet. Going through a long-term break up in your late twenties/early thirties can feel very isolating. Most of your friends are engaged, married, or having children. At the time, I felt like I was starting my life from scratch and it was fucking scary. Connecting with another woman who went through and was healing from the same thing made the process 1,000 times easier. I also found that after I had been single for some time, other friends who were leaving their partners were starting to lean on me for support. It is a wonderful feeling being able to lend a hand to someone who is about to go through the same situation you are in the process of healing from.
Spend time alone with yourself. Post break up was the first time I ever lived alone. Prior to that relationship, I always had roommates and lived with family. There is something so fucking liberating about living alone and creating your own space. I know that living alone isn’t available to everyone so establish alone time in your schedule. During my alone time was when I started to fully develop my healing practices, i.e. shadow work, journaling, meditation, reading, etc. During my alone time was when I learned to love and enjoy myself. During my alone time was when I felt safe enough to truly feel my feelings and allow myself to heal. I will also add in here that it is important to spend some time single before diving into a new relationship. You don’t have to be fully healed to find love again (in fact new love moves you through another part of the healing process) however it is important that you don’t bring the same toxic patterns to your next partnership.
That leads me right into the next part: learn to take accountability for your role in the unhealthy relationship. None of us are perfect and we all have toxic traits. It is so easy to point the finger at the other person especially if they cheated, were abusive, or had narcissistic tendencies. However, you chose that person to be your partner. You accepted their boundaries and showed them what your boundaries were (or lack thereof). In the beginning of my new life, it was very easy for me to point the finger; to blame the other person for what did or did not occur. However, in the beginning of every relationship, we show the other person what we are willing or not willing to put up with. If your boundaries are lacking, someone who doesn't respect you will use that to their advantage. If you continue to take them back and accept their disrespect/lack of boundaries that is on you. It is time to heal, love, and a big part of that is admitting your responsibility in the chaos.
The last and most important part of healing from a toxic relationship is forgiving both yourself and the other person. As much as someone fucks you up, holding on to that anger and resentment is only hurting you. Forgiveness is the foundation of healing. It may take six months; it may take three years. This part of the process cannot be rushed. It will take time, but when it hits you, you will finally feel free. For myself, it took me a little over three years to forgive that person. I was taking a shower one night, thinking about my life now and how grateful I am for it, when it hit me. After all this time, I finally forgave them. The life I live today is a product of all of the bullshit I went through then and for that I am forever grateful.
Healing in any aspect is different for everyone. I am not an expert. All that I can do is offer you the tools that helped me move through and process five years of chaos. If you are in a toxic/unhealthy relationship, please know that you are not alone. You are never too old to start over. You are never in too deep with someone to let them go. If you are currently moving through the healing process, I am here for you. Please feel free to reach out. I would love to help guide you through this journey. There is a beautiful, vibrant gold fucking rainbow at the end of that tunnel waiting for you to begin your magical new life. Your healing begins now.
