From Co-dependency to Conscious Partnership
Have you ever found yourself drowning in a relationship; like you are completely stuck head underwater and you can’t get yourself up for air? Yes? Me too. Way too many times before my current relationship. And, yes, it would be much easier to blame the other person than to take responsibility for my feelings, but the truth is they were my feelings. The truth is, I entered every relationship prior to my current one the exact same way: too much too quickly without truly knowing how I actually felt and what I really wanted. The truth is, I entered every relationship before my current one with the fear of being alone. If this resonates at all with you, keep reading because this is a goodie >>
I’ll be honest. I didn’t even know what co-dependency was until after my last relationship. So let’s break it down. According to Mental Health America, ‘Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.’ In other words, co-dependent relationships are just another form of addiction. Just like substance abuse, individuals who take part in this type of relationship aren’t actually happy, but they are in so deep they can’t seem to get themselves out.
So how did I manage to swim to the surface?
It definitely wasn’t easy. It took 28 years of life and five years of a toxic relationship to get me to wake the fuck up. And even once I did gather the balls to leave, my initial thought was to hop right into another relationship because that is what a co-dependant does. We are terrified of being alone with ourselves and our own thoughts so we try to immerse ourselves into someone else's energy as soon as we can. Gratefully though, I didn’t. Instead of giving all of my energy to another person, I chose to give it all to myself. I dove head first into spirituality, shadow work, astrology, yoga, and meditation. Rather than trying to get to know someone else, I chose to get to know myself. That’s a scary thing right!? How many of us truthfully know ourselves?
Now, I am not saying that everyone who hops from one relationship to another is co-dependant. Only you know if you are in your current relationship because you are truly happy or if you are afraid to be alone. I will be the first to stand up and admit that every relationship I was in prior to my current one was out of fear of being alone. I know this because throughout each relationship, I knew they were not for me, yet I continued to take part in it. I had every excuse in the book not to leave. I don’t have enough money to move out. I love them. When things are good, they are good. I just don’t know how to be happy. No bitch, you just don’t know how to be alone. Does this sound familiar to you? Good, keep reading.
So what is a conscious partnership?
For one, it takes two to tango– meaning it takes two conscious partners (two individuals who actually do the work to be more conscious individuals) to create a conscious partnership. So if you have been doing the work (as our personal development gurus like to call it) then you are a more conscious individual. As a conscious individual, you have to then find yourself someone who is also doing the work. The beauty of it is, the more aware you become, the less likely you are to find yourself in a relationship with a co-dependant/toxic individual. Why? Because the moment the red flags start flagging (as our gen zers like to say) you will be out. I came across this several times during my singlehood prior to Eric and it was so refreshing to witness myself confidently walk away from people that did not serve the person I was becoming.
Individuals in a conscious partnership do not try to change who the other person is. Rather, they accept them for who they are and what they want to do. The truth is, we are all going to do what we want to do so what you want has to align with what your partner wants. This is why lying and cheating is so common in co-dependant/low conscious relationships. What you both want does not align and rather than just admitting that to one another out of fear of being alone, you lie. You lie about who you are and what you want. And then you cheat because you are unhappy and you are trying to suck the energy out of another person. I can say this confidently because I have been there. I have made every relationship mistake in the book. So if you cannot accept someone for exactly who they are, it may be time to reflect. If what you want doesn’t align with what your partner wants, it may be time to be honest with both yourself and your partner.
A conscious partnership consists of two individuals who truly know and trust one another. Prior to Eric, I didn’t really know any of the guys I had a relationship with; like truly down to the core, knew who they were. Our ‘getting to know eachother time’ was typically over the influence of alcohol and other substances. Our dating periods were short and had little to no mystery attached to them. Rather than diving head first into another relationship, I actually got to know Eric. Wild, right? We hung out sober and without getting physical. Instead, we talked and truly got to know each other. This built trust and an immense amount of open communication. I won’t sit here and say this was easy. It was definitely out of my comfort zone, but what it did feel was safe. Safety is the key that connects you to another person. It allows you to tell them your deepest, darkest secrets without fear of abandonment. And that is what we created, well before actually calling our relationship a partnership.
I am in no way, shape, or form a relationship expert, but I am someone who has made all of the mistakes and learned from them. I am someone who was co-dependant, broke away from the relational addiction, and am now in a happy, safe, and conscious partnership. This all starts with you. It starts with you becoming a more conscious individual and aligning that level of awareness with a partner who serves the person you are working to become. You don’t need to be healed to make this happen, but you do need to begin working towards that healing. If this resonates with you, please reach out. I would love to connect with you on this topic. If you feel like this could help someone you love, feel free to send it over to them.
xx
bree
